


happy, sad and everything inbetween

by gillyandersons



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F, Gen, Mostly Fluff, Some grief, grandma bernie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-02
Updated: 2017-04-02
Packaged: 2018-10-14 02:48:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10527252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gillyandersons/pseuds/gillyandersons
Summary: Serena and Cameron have a heart to heart. Some Grandma Bernie thrown into the mix too.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is just something silly, but it's an idea I have been toying with for a while. Set probably 3-4 years in the future.

Serena watches silently from the doorway as Bernie holds their newborn baby Grandson in her arms. A warmth washes over Serena and she smiles as Bernie, her back still to Serena, bounces the tiny baby in her arms, his soft green hat poking out from the crook of Bernie's elbow. 

 

Bernie's been so excited from the moment Cameron told them Morven was pregnant. Serena had wondered if she'd been overcompensating slightly for missing so much of Cameron and Charlotte's lives when they were kids. But even if that was the case, Cam and Morven didn't seem to mind. 

 

It was probably Bernie's sheer excitement and enthusiasm that got Morven through some of the harder days of her pregnancy. When her back ached and her ankles swelled and she wanted to cry, Bernie had  _ always  _ been there to bring her back up again. And Cameron would be forever grateful to her for that. 

 

Serena felt her chest tighten as Bernie started to sing a little song to the baby, smiling down at him as she did. Bernie lit up and it was pure pride and joy etched on her face as she looked at her Grandson. 

 

And she was happy, she really and truly was. But she was also wistful. She felt bittersweet. Because this was never something she would get to experience with Elinor. She would never  _ truly  _ understand the pride and joy at which Bernie felt. That's not to say that she didn't love Freddie, because she did. By  _ God  _ she did. She loved that one day old baby more than she ever thought possible. 

 

But she couldn't help but be sad because she'd never get  _ this _ with her daughter. 

 

It's not the first time Serena's felt bittersweet about a happy time for Bernie, in fact it's almost a daily occurrence. She was proud when she stood next to Bernie at Charlotte's University Graduation, but she was sad because she should have been there a year earlier watching Elinor graduate. She had beamed and congratulated Cameron and Morven when they got engaged, but it had just been another reminder of something else she'd never watch Elinor do. 

 

At first, the emotion had overwhelmed her. She had felt guilty and ashamed and sobbed in Bernie's arms. And Bernie had held her, rocked her through it gently. Telling her that it was okay to feel like this. That it was normal and she had  _ nothing  _ to be sorry or guilty for and she'd kissed her and made almost all the pain go away. And she'd fell in love with Bernie even more after that. 

 

But now she has made her peace with the knowledge that whenever something happy or monumental happens in her friends and loved ones lives, that yes, she would be happy for them, she would be over the moon, as she was now. But she'd always be sad. Mournful. Reminded of yet  _ another  _ thing Elinor couldn't do. 

 

And Bernie seemed to know this, without Serena even telling her. She'd sensed it when Cam told them Morven was pregnant. And she'd squeezed Serena's hand to let her know that it was okay. That she knew what she was feeling and that it was  _ okay  _ to feel it. That she was there for her. And then they'd both wrapped him up in a hug and Bernie  _ cried _ out of happiness. She hadn't held it against her when Serena excused herself from the dinner table rather abruptly, only to re-emerge 10 minutes later with red rimmed eyes the only evidence she had allowed herself to break. Bernie had held Serena a bit tighter that night, knowing she needed it. 

 

She wondered if Elinor would be a good mother. She had always been so fiercely independent and career driven, but she also had a soft, nurturing side. She was actually a lot like Bernie. She somehow couldn't imagine Ellie with kids, at least not until she had reached her career goals and was settled in her job. But still. There was always the question of  _ what if?  _ The question that would remain unanswered forever. 

 

“Hey” Cameron said from beside her, making Serena jump slightly. He inherited his silent steps from his mother then, Serena mused, remembering a time that seemed like forever ago now when Bernie had snuck up on her and she'd demanded the other woman wore louder shoes. “How are you holding up?” he asked. Serena opened her mouth to say she was fine, that it should be  _ her  _ asking  _ him  _ how he was coping.  _ He _ was the new Father, after all.  “I know this mustn't be easy for you given.. well, you know” he shrugged and gave a soft smile. 

 

He was too smart for his own good sometimes and Serena couldn't help but smile. So much like his Mother. 

 

“I’m… fine” she said honestly and Cameron nodded. 

 

“Y’know, Morven still feels the same way about Arthur” he says, leaning against the doorframe and watching his mother with his son - totally oblivious to the conversation happening behind her. Either that or she was choosing not to acknowledge it. “Even this morning she was just looking at Freddie and I could tell she was thinking about him. And it's fine, y’know? I get it. You're allowed to miss her and be sad”. 

 

“Sometimes it just hits” Serena says with a sigh, looking down at her feet, finding it easy to just open up to Cameron. “And i’m happy and sad at the same time. And I know it's okay. But I still feel weird. I feel guilty”. 

 

Cameron nods. 

 

“Freddie's only a day old and I already love him more than I even knew was physically possible” Cameron says with such love and pride in his voice that it warms Serena's heart. “I would  _ die _ for that little boy. There's nothing I wouldn't do for him. And I-I, I can't  _ imagine _ anything happening to him. I don't know what I would do without him. So I just… I get it now, sort of”. 

 

Serena turns to face him, he's staring past her at his mother and his son with so much devotion in his face, Serena can tell just by looking at him how much he loves his son. He's going to be an incredible Father. His face is the mirror of Bernie's when she thinks nobody is looking, and she's staring at her boy in  _ awe _ from across the ward. 

 

“She's  _ so  _ proud of you, you know that right?” Serena says, looking back over at Bernie. 

 

“I know” Cameron smiles. She might not say it very often, but she shows it. He knows his mother loves him and is proud of him. “I know it's not exactly the same thing, but you're just as much Freddie's Grandma as my Mum is. And she would be the first person to agree with me on that”. 

 

Cameron squeezes Serena's shoulder and she genuinely smiles at him in response. Because she doesn't know what to say. But Cameron understands and he smiles back at her before going back downstairs to help Morven. Over the past few years they've developed their own kind of language. They're close, Serena genuinely loves Cameron as though he were her own, and Cam loves her too. There's this unspoken bond between them. Thick as thieves as Bernie puts it. 

 

Serena watches Bernie for a few more minutes before the blonde turns around and finally spots her. 

 

Bernie's face lights up in a grin as she looks at Serena. 

 

“Oh!” she mock gasps down at the baby. “There's Nana Serena!” she says as she walks over to the doorframe. Serena feels weird being referred to as  _ Nana _ . But she likes it. Almost as much as she likes being Bernie's  _ wife _ . 

 

She motions to Freddie, asking if Serena wants to hold him and Serena smiles. Bernie gently hands her grandson over to his other grandma and smiles proudly when he snuggles into Serena. 

 

“He really likes you” Bernie beamed proudly. He had been screaming bloody murder earlier in the afternoon and had only settled when Serena held him. And Bernie had smiled, because there was the unspoken bond between Serena and Freddie already.  “How are you feeling?” Bernie asked, her chest going all warm and fuzzy as she watches Serena interact with their sleeping Grandson. 

 

“I’m fine. I’m truly fine” Serena smiled, her heart melting as she looked down at the baby in her arms. “I had a moment” she says thickly, licking her lips and avoiding eye contact with Bernie. “But I had a lovely chat with Cameron”. 

 

“You did?” Bernie asked, trying to keep the proud and knowing smile off her face. 

 

Serena nodded. “You raised a good man”. 

 

Bernie gave a shy smile. Freddie cooed in Serena's arms and opened his big eyes to look up at her. He was a dead ringer for Morven, but Serena could swear she saw the same cheeky glint in his eye that Bernie got when she eyed a bottle of wine. 

 

They both stared down, watching as Freddie sleepily blinked his eyes, looking up at Serena through  _ insanely  _ long and beautiful eyelashes as he did. Bernie swore she could watch this all day and never tire. 

 

“He was right y’know” she says, a soft smile gracing her lips as Freddie closes his eyes again. 

 

“Hm?” Serena hums in response, too enthralled by the sleeping bundle of perfection in her arms. 

 

“Cameron” Bernie elaborates. “About Freddie. I know it's not the same as Elinor having a baby but, you're every bit his Grandma as I am”. Bernie is half inclined to say if not  _ more _ , because of how close she is with Morven and how Morven looks up to her as a pseudo mother figure. 

 

“I,” Serena licks her lips nervously. “You heard that?”. 

 

“I tried  _ not  _ to eavesdrop. But you were a foot away from me” Bernie grins and Serena rolls her eyes playfully. “Are you okay?”.

 

“I’m…” Serena takes a moment, gathers her feelings. “I’m fine” she says honestly. Because she is. In this moment she  _ truly _ is fine. And she's happy. And the pain she feels for Elinor is still there, the dull, ever constant ache in her chest. But she really is happy. “I promise” she says with an honest smile, causing Bernie to smile back at her. 

 

“Good” Bernie says, taking a step closer to her wife and Grandson. She kisses Serena on the forehead, smiles when Serena leans in closer. Snuggles into her, their Grandson sleeping soundly between them. “I’m glad” Bernie says softly, her voice deep and soothing.

 

They stay like that for a while, basking in the moment. It’s sweet and tender and loving and Bernie is just so full of love and pride that she doesn’t know what to do with herself. They watch as Freddie coos in his sleep, their heads resting against each others.

 

Bernie knows that this is something she will never tire from. She wants to soak up every inch of this perfect moment and live in it forever.

 

“I love you, Bern” Serena says, breaking the silence. Bernie looks up from her Grandson and the look in Serena’s eyes almost knocks the breath from her lungs. “So much” she says with a smile, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. 

 

“I love you too, Serena” Bernie smiles back in response, this time leaning in and kissing her fully.

 

Freddie stirs from between them, causing them to pull apart. 

 

And then they smell it before they register he is making  _ that  _ face. 

 

“Oh  _ Lord _ !” Serena exclaims, scrunching her face up in disgust.It had been so long since Elinor had been in nappies that she had forgot just how disgusting it could be. 

 

“Cameron!” Bernie bellows for her son. There’s no way in hell he is getting out of nappy duty! “Ah, The perks of being a Grandma” Bernie had smiled as Serena handed Freddie to Cameron, who took one sniff of his Son and went immediately pale. Followed by a less than sympathetic laugh -  _ honk _ \- from Bernie.

 

And Serena let the moment sink in. Let herself feel everything. The pain, the happiness, the pride. Let it all wash over her. She took a moment, one more moment where she would let her pain and sadness over Ellie overshadow the rest of her feelings. And she found that it wasn't there, at least not enough to overshadow her happiness. She hears Bernie’s muffled shouting before she sees Cameron bolt past the door, covered in a layer of brown she doesn't want to think too much about. And she's happy. And she’s okay with that. 

 

And then Bernie is yelling for her as Morven follows Cameron in bolting towards the bathroom, this time covered in urine. Serena can’t help but chuckle at how  _ three  _ highly qualified doctors are having so much trouble with a nappy. Especially when one said doctor has raised two children already.

  
And so she heads back downstairs. To her wife. To their Grandson. A smile on her face that nothing and nobody can take away from her in that moment.


End file.
